“I feel that to live is inevitable. In springtime I can sit smoking for hours, simply existing. But existing can sometimes cost blood, and there is no way of avoiding this because it is in my blood that I feel spring. And it hurts. Spring gives me things. It gives me the wherewithal to live. And I feel that I shall die on a spring day. Die of wounding love and a broken heart.” - Clarice Lispector, from “I Know What Spring Is Like,” Selected Cronicas.
The season has changed and that’s a piercing ache. And if I think back, we were together and nothing else. The weeds have shot up outside my window again. Their heads, vivid purple and virginal white, fragile, like flowers. But don’t go picking those kinds, they all said. Trust me, I know, there are some things that are best left alone. And like the dead-nettles that refuse to bloom, this is the spring that tells me, I will no longer co-operate with you.
I will not cut them, I will let them grow, I will let them be. Heal, what needs to be healed, and love, what needs to be loved. But there are some flowers worth the hurt. All thorns, this rose, I thought you knew it too. And what started as softness fast went to the soil, and I think, will you let me take it back? For there are still parts to be discovered, petals unfurled, a mouthful of things left unsaid. And all those photographs taken from nights that never got sent.
But after all the useless metaphors about women and flowers are done, know this. You never gave me the time. And it hurts me to tell you that I only ever said I was yours, so that I could learn first, to say that I was mine.
In these cookies, I use orelys fèves, for their turbulent, molassic, undertone, that twists and turns in my mouth like a tornado. Dulcey is good too. But caramelized white chocolate has become a common thing - any kind that you like, and can find, will work. Or, if you’re in it for the intense, go pure dark for the chocolate instead.
190 g (1 ½ cups) all-purpose flour, 50 g (1/2 cup + 1 tablespoon) dutch processed cocoa powder, 1 teaspoon of espresso powder, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, ½ teaspoon of baking soda, ½ teaspoon of salt, 160 g (2/3 cup + 2 teaspoons) unsalted butter (soft at room temperature), 150 g (3/4 cup) granulated sugar, a large egg, 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, 170 g (1 cup) caramelized white chocolate (roughly chopped), flaked salt (for finishing)
Whisk together the flour, dutch processed cocoa powder, espresso powder, baking powder, soda, and salt.
In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, or using hand-held electric beaters, beat the butter and sugar on medium speed until light and fluffy, about 3 to 5 minutes. Pause to scrape down the bottom and sides of the bowl. Beat in the egg until incorporated, then beat in the vanilla. Set the mixer speed to low. Tip in the dry ingredients, and beat, until a soft dough has just come together. Mix in three quarters of the chocolate until distributed. Chill until firm, half an hour.
Meanwhile, set racks in the lower and upper thirds of an oven. Pre-heat to 350 F (180 C). Line two large baking sheets with parchment paper.
Use a medium-sized cookie scoop or a tablespoon to scoop the dough out and into even-sized balls, pushing a chunk of the reserved chocolate into the tops of each.
Divide between the prepared sheets, leaving a few inches apart for spreading. You should fit 8 per sheet. Set any leftovers in the refrigerator to be baked off later or store in the freezer for up to 2 months. Sprinkle with a pinch of flaked salt.
These cookies should bake for a total of 12 to 14 minutes. Halfway through, open the oven door and rotate the sheets, lifting then tapping them against the rack to deflate the cookies and spread the chocolate. Close the door and continue to bake for another 3 minutes. Repeat the above lifting and tapping process, but this time, leaving a minute interval between for baking. Repeat the process for a third time, baking again for another minute, then for a fourth and final time. Bake for a final minute. The cookies will be crisp around the edges and the chocolate puddled when done.
Leave to stand on the sheet for a few minutes, before transferring the cookies off and onto and wire rack to cool further before serving.