“I have feelings of choking, as when one is drowning. I feel I am either drowning or being born to a trauma. I was born asphyxiated. It took a long time to bring me back to normal.” - Anaïs Nin, an excerpt from Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin 1939 – 1947.
I remember when I first saw him, I shut my eyes, then opened them and drowned, beneath his gaze. There’s nothing that could have prepared me for it. Not if I had learnt to swim or navigate the tide. Not if I had strapped a life jacket so tightly to my chest, that it hurt, or could breathe, underwater. These words don’t flow as they should.
How to swim in a sea that has only ever wanted you drowned? How much longer must I drown? And when does drowning, become death? There are ways to die that don’t involve death. All the girls I was before and all the ones that will come after, I don’t know how I kept them alive for as long as I did. And what happened to Her? Or Her? Or Her? Or Her? They ask. I killed them. Killed them all to be saved, by you, my love.
And so, I go on, drowning, and awake on the shore, no longer knowing who I am, what I was, or where I’m going. Turn me on my side and let sea water spill from my throat. Breathe air into my lungs. Hurt me until I bleed sense. He taught me that to die of love (mourir d’amour) and to die of asphyxiation (mourir d’asphyxie), are the same.
I don’t think about it.
rich chocolate ice cream
granulated sugar – 150 g (3/4 cup)
cocoa powder – 50 g (1/2 cup)
skim milk powder – 40 g (1/3 cup)
instant coffee powder – 10 g (2 tablespoons)
half a teaspoon of salt
egg yolks – 100 g (about 5 large)
heavy cream – 480 ml (2 cups)
whole milk – 360 ml (1 ½ cups)
Put the granulated sugar, cocoa powder, skim milk powder, instant coffee powder, and salt in a large, deep, and heavy saucepan. Add the yolks and give it a good whisk to break them up until they’re as combined as they can get. Pour in the cream and milk, then set the pan over the stove. Whisk slowly, on low heat, until it reaches 70 C (158 F).
As soon as the mixture reaches temperature, slide it off the heat ever-so-slightly, so that only a bit of the pan touches, and continue to cook, whisking often, for 25 minutes. Set a timer. Turn on music. Don’t cheat. We’re aiming for good, slow, reduction here. Be sure to keep it as close as possible to a range of 70 – 72 C (158 – 162 F) for the entire time, positioning the pan on, off, and around the heat to control it, as needed.
Once time is up, remove the pan. Set a fine-mesh sieve over a large bowl then stream the mixture through. Cover with plastic wrap, pressing it onto the surface to prevent a skin from forming, then refrigerate until it comes down to 4 – 6 C (39 – 42 F) – at least 4 hours, but preferably, overnight.
When you’re ready to churn, put an ice cream container or loaf pan in the freezer. Transfer the chilled mixture to the machine and churn according to the manufacturer’s instructions. Mine takes about 25 minutes, but it depends on your machine. It will be near doubled when done. Extract into the container, then freeze until firm, before serving.
